Irritation And Self-loathing Are Bad Habits, Not Facts of Nature

When something doesn’t go your way, it’s ok to curse a little. Or to be upset. Or to have a bad day. Right?

This happened to me all the time. Can’t unlock my scooter lock fast enough? I get frustrated with myself for a few minutes. Can’t find my keys in the house? Idem. Running late for an appointment? You know the drill. And when I receive an unexpected tax claim? Well, that’s definitely a bad and grumpy day.

It’s normal, right?
I used to not think much of this behavior. In fact, I was barely aware of it. Most people I know act like this, including relatives and friends.

This all changed once I started dating my (now) wife. She was amazed how I could get irritated with myself over seemingly insignificant things.

To be clear: I’m not talking about relationship fights, nor am I a negative or unhappy person (quite the contrary). But these regular, brief struggles with myself seemed totally normal to me, facts of nature.

My wife showed me there’s nothing natural about this kind of behavior. There’s no reason at all to get irritated or upset about, well, anything. And especially not about minor, every day things caused by yourself!

Stoics and Buddhists?
While some will recognize the seeds of Stoicism and Buddhism in this insight — philosophies which I later discovered — my wife already put me on this path many years ago. She showed me, through her living example, that irritation and self-loathing are simply learned, bad habits. There’s no reason for them, and you’ll be the better for unlearning them.

This can be quite hard in the beginning, as it seems natural behavior, at least to most Westerners*. Because that’s the other startling realization about this habit: so many other people also get irritated and upset over nothing (especially in airports!). This becomes startlingly clear when you yourself are calm and relaxed all the time (a bit like how you recognize other people’s drunkenness when you’re sober, but not when you yourself are also drunk).

Awareness
The first step to unlearn this habit then, as with so many other things, is to become aware of it. Look around, at yourself, at others, and then realize you have a choice; you don’t have to respond that way. You’ll days will be the better for it!

** Having spent quite some years living and working in Asia and Africa, it seems to me “Westerners” are more prone to this behavior than people from other parts of the world.*

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